The Self Driven Child

Whittling this book down to my biggest takeaways was almost impossible, because this book spoke to me in SO many ways. I’ve read a ton of teaching and parenting books over the years, and this is one of my all-time favorites – for so many reasons.  It’s already impacted my teaching, my parenting, and my own personal “living” too. Here’s my best attempt at a top 5, but they don’t fully do the book justice…


1.Want a kiddo who's self-motivated, self-confident, and can handle stressors in their life without becoming overwhelmed? Put them in control (and just to be clear here, I mean in control of themselves, not in control of you). Got a million questions about how to navigate the nuances of parenting while also trying to help your child grow their sense of control? It's certainly not simple, and there's a fine (and important!) line between giving kids too much control when they're not ready to handle it vs. not giving them enough. The book dives into it all, so check it out for more info. In the meantime, this quote sums it up pretty well…

"We can’t really control our kids – and doing so shouldn’t be our goal. Our role is to teach them to think and act independently, so that they will have the judgement to succeed in school and, most important, in life.”

2. Stress and anxiety has increased in children for a variety of well documented as well as some speculative reasons. Chronic stress wreaks havoc on brain function (especially in children and teens), impacting both children's ability to learn and do well in school as well as their social and emotional health. It can be instinctual as a parent to jump in and help alleviate their stress, but it turns out that trying to solve your kiddo’s anxieties and problems FOR them undermines the very sense of control (i.e. the feeling that I can handle this) they need to actually handle the stress in the first place. So much of this runs counterintuitive to parenting, because helping out and doing things FOR your kid often feels SO right. I am completely guilty of this myself. Instead of doing and solving it's all about informing and supporting.

"When we say we want children and teens to make their own decisions as much as possible, what we really want is for them to make informed decisions."

3. There’s a network in our brain that scientists are just beginning to understand called the “default mode network.” It activates when you’re literally doing nothing. Have you ever noticed what’s happening in your brain as you drive in the car, lay in bed at night, or stare out the window? Start paying attention to those moments when your brain wanders and swirls. Turns out those moments of doing NOTHING are when our brains reflect and literally process and make sense of our lives. It’s where your sense of empathy grows and what makes you a thoughtful human being. It’s one of the most important things our brain does, and we don’t give ourselves nearly enough time to do it these days. Think of all the free moments we now fill with technology (ever checked your phone at a stoplight?!), and think how few of those do-nothing-at-all moments our kids get. How can we give ourselves (and our kiddos) more of these moments to counteract all the times where we feel stressed and overloaded and overwhelmed?

4. Turns out being knee-deep into something you love doing is incredibly good for you, and it helps develop kids' brains in powerful ways. As a teacher this has me thinking about what we can do to help provide kiddos with more opportunities to experience powerful states of flow in our classrooms...

"Just as frequent exposure to high levels of stress can sculpt a young brain in ways that are unhealthy, frequent exposure to states of flow can sculpt a young brain to be motivated and focused."

5. My last big take-way is a shout-out to ALL the other reasons you should check out this book. You’ll learn more about…

• Technology use and its many impacts – Ever thought about how social media use takes control from you (i.e. how you felt about your sandwich) and gives it to others (i.e. how they felt about your photo of the sandwich)?
• Sleep deprivation – Did you know it’s a leading cause of chronic stress?
• Loving your kid too much to fight about homework (hooray!)
• Parental anxieties and passing them (or not) onto your kids 
• The importance of play 
• Why earlier isn’t necessarily better

And SO much more!